How Big Is Your Bark

We recently adopted our 2 year old dog, Lucy. We were quickly reminded that dogs have an ingrained “fight or flight” response when they feel threatened. When Lucy seems threatened by other dogs, she fights which involves lots of barking and growling. Dogs can be trained to change the undesirable behaviors with help from dog trainers. A lot of what we know about learned behavior comes from the early works of the infamous Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov and his dog most commonly known as Pavlov’s dog. Much of his work has had significant influence on behavioral coaching. Take for example world-renowned dog behavior specialist Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. He believes that well-behaved dogs are a result of well-trained owners. He coaches pet owners and trains dogs to behave in healthy and balanced ways to have the best interactions with their families. So, no matter what might provoke the pet, the pet is trained to respond in an appropriate manner getting lots of positive reinforcement and treats.

Human Fight or Flight

The same goes for us humans. We have a fight or flight response when we feel threatened. We get defensive and very reactive in our responses to people. Some of us even bark pretty loudly. We have learned behavior that is not always healthy or constructive and needs to be changed. Recently, I was in mediation where the employee constantly referred to being “provoked” by his manager which in turn prompted the employee to respond in a defensive, reactive and disrespectful way. The supervisor files a reprimand, the employee files a complaint against the supervisor, and someone else decides their fate often by inadvertently rewarding the employee when they dismiss the reprimand. This pattern of response creates a cycle that continually repeats itself with very negative consequences for the employee and leadership.

How do we break the cycle? In order to change this cycle, the employee and the supervisor need to be aware of how they contribute to the problem behavior. Surprisingly, people too often don’t take responsibility for their own behavior, instead blaming others. So who do we turn to for help when we want to change our behavioral responses that are destructive and emotionally reactive to conflict situations? Coaches, and more specifically, conflict and executive coaches, work with individuals to change these defensive and emotionally charged responses. Conflict coaches have a background in conflict resolution and executive coaching, and use the principles in both disciplines to support change. Take for example, executive coach, Dr. Laura Crawshaw aka The Boss Whisperer. She is internationally known for her work in coaching individuals who demonstrate workplace bullying behaviors. Not only does she raise awareness of how these behaviors negatively impact others, but she coaches the individual with the offensive behavior to change their attitude and response especially in stressful and conflict situations.

Thoughtful Conflict Responses

Looking back at a recent blog post by Alicia Arenas called “Choices and Lessons”, we see that Alicia felt provoked by a particular conflict situation. Although she got very angry, she took a step back, and made a conscious choice NOT to escalate the conflict with a destructive emotional response. Alicia reflected “What would The Texas Conflict Coach say in this situation?” Her decision to think about and approach the situation differently was positively reinforced by feedback from readers and her own internal satisfaction for how she handled the situation professionally.

When you are provoked by a person or situation, do you respond negatively and then blame them for your response, or do you take accountability for what you did? Once you take that step to recognize your part in how you respond to situations, you can then change how you show up the next time you are provoked.

Happy New Year!

Tagged as: Cesar Millan, Conflict Coaching, conflict management, fight or flight, relationships, Texas Conflict Coach