Do You Should On People

Great Expectations…we learn early in life that expectations can bring great joy, satisfaction and reward; and unfilled expectations can be equally disheartening and damaging to perceptions and relationships. When we live a life of expectation and build a business around expectations, we look to others to fulfill those needs. We expect our children to love us, our employees to be dedicated and hard-working, our bosses to treat us with respect, and businesses to provide great customer service. We even pressure ourselves to achieve it all or to be the best we can be.  We live a life of expectations founded in our values and beliefs of what is right and wrong, and what is good and bad. Then, when the things we anticipate don’t come true, they come crashing down around us. We have put too much of our success, happiness and our needs on the shoulders of others. When they don’t meet our expectations, they have failed us. It is their fault and we begin the blame game.

Take for example the recent dispute over NBC’s Tonight Show debacle with hosts Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno. Everyone has an opinion about what should or should not have happened. The great expectations for Jay Leno’s prime time show failed miserably and then the “shoulding” and blaming began.  In the Huffington Post, entertainment reporter and critic, James Sims talks about what NBC should and should not expect to happen, now that Leno will return to host the show on March 1^st. Millions of dollars later, reputations damaged, and people’s lives changed forever, the water cooler conversations across America will continue the shoulding debate over what NBC, Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno should have done and what they should do now

When is the last time you contributed to “shoulding” on people? Just hearing the word, should, places most people in a position to justify, defend or retaliate. “You should have been straight with us” or “You should have known better” or “I should have told the truth.” You can almost hear the tone and attitude of judgment. When we use blaming language, we convey not only our disappointment but our disapproval. We impose our values and beliefs on the person, the situation or the institution for not meeting our expectations. We hold someone else accountable. Then, we attack.

Stop! If you want others to not react in a defensive way, then use language that communicates your needs and feelings in a way that it will be heard. Instead of “You should have been straight with us” say “I’m really angry and need to trust that we will get straightforward information.” Essentially, state your disappointment by beginning the sentence with “I” versus “YOU” and clearly state your need or your feeling. If you change the blaming language, you change how others will hear your complaint or concern. They will be less defensive and more responsive.

What great expectations have you laid before yourself or at the feet of others? As said by American author, Joan Didion, “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.”Next time you “should” on yourself or others, then stop, listen and shift.

Photos courtesy of a2gemma and andymangold.

Tagged as: Change, Conflict Coaching, conflict management, Leadership, relationships