Great Expectations…we learn early in life that expectations can bring great joy, satisfaction and reward; and unfilled expectations can be equally disheartening and damaging to perceptions and relationships. When we live a life of expectation and build a business around expectations, we look to others to fulfill those needs. We expect our children to love us, our employees to be dedicated and hard-working, our bosses to treat us with respect, and businesses to provide great customer service. We even pressure ourselves to achieve it all or to be the best we can be.  We live a life of expectations founded in our values and beliefs of what is right and wrong, and what is good and bad. Then, when the things we anticipate don’t come true, they come crashing down around us. We have put too much of our success, happiness and our needs on the shoulders of others. When they don’t meet our expectations, they have failed us. It is their fault and we begin the blame game.

Take for example the recent dispute over NBC’s Tonight Show debacle with hosts Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno. Everyone has an opinion about what should or should not have happened. The great expectations for Jay Leno’s prime time show failed miserably and then the “shoulding” and blaming began.  In the Huffington Post, entertainment reporter and critic, James Sims talks about what NBC should and should not expect to happen, now that Leno will return to host the show on March 1^st. Millions of dollars later, reputations damaged, and people’s lives changed forever, the water cooler conversations across America will continue the shoulding debate over what NBC, Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno should have done and what they should do now

When is the last time you contributed to “shoulding” on people? Just hearing the word, should, places most people in a position to justify, defend or retaliate. “You should have been straight with us” or “You should have known better” or “I should have told the truth.” You can almost hear the tone and attitude of judgment. When we use blaming language, we convey not only our disappointment but our disapproval. We impose our values and beliefs on the person, the situation or the institution for not meeting our expectations. We hold someone else accountable. Then, we attack.

Stop! If you want others to not react in a defensive way, then use language that communicates your needs and feelings in a way that it will be heard. Instead of “You should have been straight with us” say “I’m really angry and need to trust that we will get straightforward information.” Essentially, state your disappointment by beginning the sentence with “I” versus “YOU” and clearly state your need or your feeling. If you change the blaming language, you change how others will hear your complaint or concern. They will be less defensive and more responsive.

What great expectations have you laid before yourself or at the feet of others? As said by American author, Joan Didion, “To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.”Next time you “should” on yourself or others, then stop, listen and shift.

Photos courtesy of a2gemma and andymangold.

We recently adopted our 2 year old dog, Lucy. We were quickly reminded that dogs have an ingrained “fight or flight” response when they feel threatened. When Lucy seems threatened by other dogs, she fights which involves lots of barking and growling. Dogs can be trained to change the undesirable behaviors with help from dog trainers. A lot of what we know about learned behavior comes from the early works of the infamous Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov and his dog most commonly known as Pavlov’s dog. Much of his work has had significant influence on behavioral coaching. Take for example world-renowned dog behavior specialist Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. He believes that well-behaved dogs are a result of well-trained owners. He coaches pet owners and trains dogs to behave in healthy and balanced ways to have the best interactions with their families. So, no matter what might provoke the pet, the pet is trained to respond in an appropriate manner getting lots of positive reinforcement and treats.

Human Fight or Flight

The same goes for us humans. We have a fight or flight response when we feel threatened. We get defensive and very reactive in our responses to people. Some of us even bark pretty loudly. We have learned behavior that is not always healthy or constructive and needs to be changed. Recently, I was in mediation where the employee constantly referred to being “provoked” by his manager which in turn prompted the employee to respond in a defensive, reactive and disrespectful way. The supervisor files a reprimand, the employee files a complaint against the supervisor, and someone else decides their fate often by inadvertently rewarding the employee when they dismiss the reprimand. This pattern of response creates a cycle that continually repeats itself with very negative consequences for the employee and leadership.

How do we break the cycle? In order to change this cycle, the employee and the supervisor need to be aware of how they contribute to the problem behavior. Surprisingly, people too often don’t take responsibility for their own behavior, instead blaming others. So who do we turn to for help when we want to change our behavioral responses that are destructive and emotionally reactive to conflict situations? Coaches, and more specifically, conflict and executive coaches, work with individuals to change these defensive and emotionally charged responses. Conflict coaches have a background in conflict resolution and executive coaching, and use the principles in both disciplines to support change. Take for example, executive coach, Dr. Laura Crawshaw aka The Boss Whisperer. She is internationally known for her work in coaching individuals who demonstrate workplace bullying behaviors. Not only does she raise awareness of how these behaviors negatively impact others, but she coaches the individual with the offensive behavior to change their attitude and response especially in stressful and conflict situations.

Thoughtful Conflict Responses

Looking back at a recent blog post by Alicia Arenas called “Choices and Lessons”, we see that Alicia felt provoked by a particular conflict situation. Although she got very angry, she took a step back, and made a conscious choice NOT to escalate the conflict with a destructive emotional response. Alicia reflected “What would The Texas Conflict Coach say in this situation?” Her decision to think about and approach the situation differently was positively reinforced by feedback from readers and her own internal satisfaction for how she handled the situation professionally.

When you are provoked by a person or situation, do you respond negatively and then blame them for your response, or do you take accountability for what you did? Once you take that step to recognize your part in how you respond to situations, you can then change how you show up the next time you are provoked.

Happy New Year!

As most of you know, there was a bit of drama yesterday regarding one of my blog posts.

To those of you who reached out to me via blog comments, on Twitter and in direct messages I thank you! As I write this, I’m  feeling deeply appreciative of my friends and colleagues. And so, I’d like to give you an update.

Choices

The person to whom I referred in my post (let’s call her “Tanya” for convenience sake) contacted me and asked if we could talk. I must admit I was hesitant at first, but I agreed. I found her to be warm, intelligent, strong and sincere. Even so, we had a frank conversation about what happened. Tanya was disappointed that I had not reached out to her prior to my post. I explained that my intention was to vent, and obtain your (my readers’) insight and opinions.

We each had a choice in how to handle this situation. Either one of us could have escalated things at any point. I could have given you Tanya’s name, Twitter ID and website. I didn’t. She could have asked her thousands of followers to come to my blog and post nasty comments. She didn’t. We both could have formally involved attorneys; and although it came up, neither of us did. In fact, I give her kudos for even contacting me to talk – that took courage. (BTW, she did update her site with an acknowledgment before she called me.)

We had more choices. She could have chosen to believe that my intention was to slander and malign her. I could have chosen not to believe her when she explained how long she had been working on her post and that she did not pilfer from mine.

But I made a difference choice (as did she). As silly as it might sound, during our conversation last night, I choose to believe that she had no ill intent. In fact, during our call, we both expressed regret. She apologized to me and I apologized to her. Crazy? Maybe. But I felt it was the right thing to do. As we ended our call 45 minutes later, I don’t think either of us felt warm-fuzzies. But we did end our call wishing each other the best.

Lessons

Would I post another blog about something that upset me deeply? Probably. Would I give the person who offends me an opportunity to respond before I post anything, even if I don’t release a name? Probably.

Should you? Should you allow the emotion within you to make it’s way to the pages of your blog? Honestly, I’m a bit conflicted. I think one of the privileges of having a blog is that it is yours to do with as you want; you and I are blessed with the freedom to say whatever we’d like. At the same time, every word we write and everything we say has a consequence. And perhaps if two different people had been involved, this situation would have ended differently with more stress, credibility tainted and money lost.

So my dear readers, may I ask you again – what do you think?

Photo Courtesy of Laffy4k

In the Old West, the ultimate insult to any man was to call him a coward. Being “yellow” meant you were less than a man and you didn’t have the guts to do the right thing. One of the most infamous cowards of the American old west is Robert Ford, known as “The Coward Who Shot Jesse James.”

Some believe gossips are modern day cowards. Gossipers typically don’t have the courage to confront their fears or to have conversations directly with the person of concern. But it’s not just the person gossiping who is “skeered.” Unfortunately, sometimes, so is the leader.

Leaders, Stop The Gossip

Remember, office gossip, especially the insidious and destructive kind, comes from fear and anxiety over the unknown, the misunderstandings and confusion that can happen from constant change and the lack of communication from leadership when changes occur. When business leaders decide to make significant changes they tend to withhold information and often are not being transparent or openly communicative with their employees. Yes, sometimes information is confidential. And yet, this just fuels the fire for employees to talk and to make assumptions about what is happening. It is imperative that leaders thoughtfully create a communication strategy that includes:

• All modes of communication – email, face to face, telephonic, “Town Hall” meetings, facilitated meetings

• A communication schedule that regularly informs employees the details of the change/transition

Leaders, here are some tough questions: What do you do that enables office gossip? What behavior are you modeling? What expectations have you set regarding gossip in your organization?

• Leaders need to model openness, avoid defensiveness and answer questions honestly when asked.

• Have you considered implementing a gossip policy? These policies can be difficult to enforce.  But there is a company, led by Dave Ramsey (nationally syndicated financial advisor and advocate of debt-free living) who has successfully implemented a no-gossip policy. Read about it here, here and here.

• Are you equipping your employees to say “no” to gossip? Teach them to use phrases such as “I’m not comfortable listening to this.” “Have you talked to ______ about it?” “Maybe we should wait and see what management tells us.”

The next time you hear the rumor mill, you have a decision to make. Will you choose not to participate? Do you have the courage to approach the gossiper with respect and without blame? Will you tell the gossiper how the behavior impacted you and your workplace?

Will you be a Robert Ford or a Wyatt Earp?

© 2009 Patricia M. Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach™

http://www.conflictconnections.com

Old School

Why do we love to gossip? In the first post on gossip, we found out that people gossip because it is a way for them to find support, feel justified and to protect what they feel is being threatened. But regardless of the reason for gossip, it is still destructive. Gossip is here to stay. The question is how do we respond to and manage gossip?

Minimizing The Negative Impact of Gossip

It should be no surprise that it starts with us. If you want to stop gossip  you need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions and stop gossiping! Sorry. How do you stop?  The key is to understand what you are or you’re not getting by gossiping with other people.

Second, go to the source. If you hate the destructive nature of gossip and you want to see it stopped, choose to address your concerns directly with the right person. In the case of a layoff, the best thing to do is talk with your manager or Human Resources. If you hear that negative things are being said about you, go directly to the person who said them.

How To Talk To The Source

It can be intimidating, but here are some steps to help you have a productive conversation about the gossip.

1.  Think through why it is a concern. Once you know that, you are better equipped to address your needs.

2.  Ask the other person for time to talk. Blasting into someone’s office or cubicle without warning does not create a good atmosphere for resolving conflict.

3.  Approach the person without attacking or blaming. This may mean you have to wait and cool off.

4.  Communicate clearly your concern using I-statements such as “I am concerned about losing my job.” “I am concerned about the rumors I’m hearing.”

5.  Listen with purpose and without interruption. State your concerns and your needs and then be quiet.

Here’s an example of the best way to do this in action:

You: Boss, I need to speak to you about a concern I have. Do you have some time to speak right now?

Boss: Actually, I’m on a deadline. Can this wait?

You: I guess, but I want to talk to you about it today.

Boss: Why don’t we talk around 4:00?

4:00 pm

You: Well, I overheard a conversation that the new CEO is going to fire people and well frankly, I am concerned about us losing our jobs especially in these tough times.

Boss: I understand, but it’s just a rumor. The new CEO hasn’t even started, so we need to be patient and wait to hear directly from him about his future plans for the organization. I do know that senior leadership will be meeting with the CEO next week.

You: Is there any way you can talk to the other employees? They are hearing the same rumors.

Boss: Yes. I’ll let them know what I just said to you.

Next post coming soon — How To Respond To Gossipers

© 2009 Patricia M. Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach™

http://www.conflictconnections.com

New School

Gossip and rumors…we see it portrayed in cartoons, played out in comedy television such as The Office and Everybody Loves Raymond, and listen to tunes such as “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” We even have “gossip columns” and “rumor mills” all in the name of finding the scoop.

For the most part, we have this need to be in the know and to be included.

According to Wikipedia, gossip takes many forms from amusing tidbits, exaggerated news, and even company announcements such as the recent NBA announcement that players are banned from Twittering before and during game play. And then, you have the insidious and negative rumors that often impose a more sinister motive onto other people. For example: “Hey, did you hear about Bob? I can’t believe they are promoting him. Don’t they see how bad he is as a supervisor? Management just won’t listen to us.”

When this kind of office gossip occurs in a place of business and gets out of hand, it can have a very destructive impact on employee morale, create a hostile work environment, and ultimately, damage a business’ reputation. Gossiping is a behavior that is here to stay. It is practically impossible to stop people from talking and sharing information. The question is how do we respond to and manage the act of gossiping?

This series of posts will address the following elements:

1)    How to recognize and become aware of what motivates us to gossip

2)    How to communicate directly our concerns without gossip

3)    How to respond when someone engages us in gossip

4)    What leaders need to do to minimize office gossip

What Motivates People To Gossip?

So, what motivates people to gossip, especially when the gossip can be destructive or hurtful to the individual, team or organization?

Often, the unknown that comes with change creates a great deal of fear, anxiety and confusion. We feel the need to talk about this unknown to others as a way to deal with our own anxieties and fears. Let’s take a look at what is happening all around the country -- layoffs. My friend and colleague Alicia Arenas told me about a “confidential” layoff at a client’s company. The employees knew the “confidential” layoff was coming, they even knew the day and the time of the layoff. Someone overheard someone who knew some of the details and word spread throughout the company within two hours. The communication plan that was supposed to alleviate employee concerns and spare them unnecessary stress was defunct. Leadership had to shift from planning to crisis management in just a few hours.

Employees choose to gossip as a way to seek support, to feel justified or heard and to protect what they feel is being threatened. In the case of a layoff, they want to protect their jobs. Generally, people who have the need to gossip are fulfilling an underlying need to talk about their concerns with someone they feel safe with and can trust. On the other hand, the compulsive “office gossip” who has earned a reputation as someone not to trust is fulfilling a need to feel important and to feel included when in reality their very actions prevent them from getting what they truly need and at a cost to others.

Next post coming soon -- Minimizing The Negative Impact of Gossip

© 2009 Patricia M. Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach™

http://www.conflictconnections.com

As a child, you might recall reading the Dr. Seuss story called “The Zax” in which two Zax found themselves coming from opposite directions only to come face to face; neither of them were willing to budge or to change. As one Zax stated “For I live by a rule that I learned as a boy in South-Going School, Never Budge! …Never budge in the least! Not an inch to the west! Not an inch to the east!” So, as they continued to argue, each determined to WIN at all costs, they stood their ground with feelings of pride and self-righteousness. For if I am RIGHT, you must be WRONG. And, here is where we get stuck. In the case of the Zax, they stayed put for 59 years while the world grew around them.

As a business leader, do you ever find yourself being a Zax with others be it customers, partners, employees or other team mates? Do you live by those rules that keep you rigid and inflexible to change? Well, if you do, you might just find yourself being left behind, stuck in your rightness paying a high price. You might even WIN your position but at what cost? Often, the cost of being inflexible and unwilling to look from the other’s perspective undermines your credibility as an authentic leader, damages relationships, and changes people’s perceptions of you.

The next time you find yourself being a Zax, then take a step back, and think about the cost. Ask yourself:

• “What do I lose for being right?”

• “What could we both gain if we honored each other’s view point?”

• “How could we both get what we need?”

In the case of the Zax, they simply could have worked together in a creative way to move past each other without compromising their values. They could have put arm into arm, and twirled each other around so they could continue down their paths. Of course, not all situations can be resolved easily; yet sometimes, it just takes a simple act of stepping back.

You might lose sight if you fight to be right.

© 2009 Patricia M. Porter, The Texas Conflict Coach™

http://www.conflictconnections.com